Tigers Are Awesome!!!

I herd a massive ROAR!!! as I went past. 

It was Monday the 28th of July, the seniors and middle school went to the ZOO!!!

We went past loads of animals, there were: Lions, Penguins, Red Pandas, Seals and much much more but my favorite was the Tigers because they have a huge ROAR!!! there 

were two enclosures and a little metal bridge going across from one enclosure two anther.  one was walking across the bridge.  I loved the zoo trip (IT WAS AWESOME!!!) When  Senior and middle school left my dad seed we can stay with Aidan and Travis.  we got Ice Cream!!!  (YUMMY!!!!!)

Draft:
"I heard a Massive ROAR!!! as I went past

It was Monday the 28th of July,the Seniors and middle school went to the ZOO!!!
we went past loads of animals there were: lions,penguins,red pandas,seals and much much more but my favorite animal were the Tigers because they have a loud  roar and there were two enclosures and a little bridge across from one enclosure to anther. one tiger was walking across the bridge and i was going      


Miss Lister's feedback:

• Very interesting hook at the start - remember to finish off that sentence
• Great vocabulary: loud roar, enclosures

• Remember a space after a comma
• Re-read and make sure you have the right punctuation